There's a turd in the toilet with no toilet paper. Who didn't wipe their butt?

Well dear friends, I just got the kids onto the school bus. 25 mins of frantic mahem but mission accomplished. I think some of our morning tasks should be featured on that new game show "Minute To Win It".
Crystal you have 1 minute to fully dress a 4 year old (socks, underwear, pants, shirt, hat, lunch box, school bag) Start the clock! Go!
It wouldn't be so frustrating if Opal wasn't jumping on the bed laughing at me as I grab for his left leg. Oh, so close!  Then he runs into another room, squeeling with delight!   When I do catch him he curls up into a snail position and everywhere I touch he thinks I'm tickling him.  All of the sudden we've created this most amazing game! I know what you're thinking, why don't you let your 4 year old dress himself.
Super easy answer! On days he doesn't go to school he does dress himself but typically his pants are put on backwards, his shirt is inside out and his socks, well,  I've told you about our history with socks.
Does everyone have a monster living in their lundry room that has a yearning desire to devour "every other sock" and "every other mitten".  It's like a cereal(breakfast still on the brain) serial killer marking his path!
This monster leaves one sock behind just so you know he's come and gone leaving traces of evidence that he exists. 
Maybe I'm lacking some essential vitamin D.  I want the sun to come back! It's been almost a week with overcast weather and I need to stimulate my endorphins. I need my little dose of happiness that I get from "Mr Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun"!

This morning I'm feeling sort of down on myself!  I try not to focus on my parenting blunders  because I know we all have good days and bad days, however, today is the day after one of those "bad days" and the guilt is starting to set in!
There are so many things I struggle with in parenting so today I'm asking for your help!!!!!!!!!
Here are a few of my concerns that I need help with.

1.  Why can't I get my son to wipe his own butt!  Seriously,  he's 4 and can dress himself (sort of).  He's like a pint size dictator or king of the thrown (pardon the pun) When he finishes going poo he shouts at the top of his lungs, "I'm done, can somebody wipe my butt" This same kid can do back flips off the monkey bars and can do wheelies on his bike but he can't figure out how to wipe his butt. Where have I gone wrong?

Since we're discussing the potty, I also want to point out how disgusting it is when  you enter the lou to find a surprise turd in the toilet! Do I have to bribe them with stickers to get them to flush? What's more concerning is that sometimes there's no toilet paper accompanying that turd which means someone didn't wipe! Yuck!!!

Does anyone else find it odd that we become expert interpreters at reading the wellbeing of our kids by examining their poop! You didn't know you had that talent did you?
2.  How do I get my kids to eat their veggies?  Not a problem with Pearl yet because her little mouth is constantly open like a preciuos baby bird.  Waiting for the next crumb of food to fall into it! She reminds me a lot like our dog Bailey! She scours the floor looking for left over crumbs or bits of food left behind by the older two.  Last nights supper was a cabbage casserole packed with nutrients and wonderful ingredients. 
Opal and Sapphire picked and picked.  Spreading the food about their plate to make it look as if they had eaten some.  Do they really think I'm that stupid?  Next Sapphire says, "How many more bites until we get dessert?"  My snarky reply "All of  it, every last spec.  You should be thankful you have food to eat!  If you don't eat every last spec I'm putting you to bed hungary and you'll never have supper ever again!"  Yes, that is me yelling and threatning my kids!  When did I become my mother?  Does anyone have any novel ideas?  I'm at the end of my rope when it comes to getting my kids to eat their vegetables! By the way do pickles count as a serving of vegetables? I joke!
3.Finally, I want someone to tell me not to worry that Pearl isn't pulling herself up yet and has no interest in walking.  She's almost 1 and I know every kid walks eventually but why do I still feel like a failure because my baby is going to be a late walker?  I shouldn't be surprised because Sapphire didn't walk until 15 months.  I wasn't concerned until  last week  I saw a couple other 12 month olds walking.  Then the comparisons begin!  Why do I do this to myself? 


I guess all I need this morning is a big hug and maybe a white chocolate mocha latte from Starbucks! 

Can anyone please help me with my above mentioned parenting roadblocks?